Replacing Judgment with Curiosity

I have to admit, we are late to the Ted Lasso show simply because we didn’t want to pay for another app. But, my husband got a new phone and with that came a three month free trial of Apple tv. And with that came the highly acclaimed and often recommended Ted Lasso.

We didn’t know what to expect, but despite being only 6 or 7 episodes in, we get it. I get it! I catch myself smiling and nodding my head, cheering, and even crying, during every episode.

One of my favorite scenes so far is where he credits a quote to Walt Whitman, which seems to be disputed in real life, where he says, “Be curious, not judgmental.” And then goes on to explain how this applied to his life. It’s a profoundly moving scene. One we can all probably relate to in some way.

And that’s when it hit me. What it is that I love about this character and why I feel so inspired by him. I mean, obviously he’s kind, compassionate, optimistic, encouraging, edifying, and has emotional intelligence that has to be off the charts. But, what in particular is so special about this man, this coach?

It’s his curiosity and his lack of being critical or judgmental. He asks rather than assumes or asserts. He wants to understand. His curiosity is childlike and innocent. It is so refreshing! How could you not love him?

I haven’t always been the most curious, or understanding person. I don’t think I really learned that skill as well as maybe I could have. My folks were generally very confident in how they believed things should be done. The Miller way seemed like the right way, and so I tended to look at things that way. Anything different and it was probably wrong.

Here’s a simple illustration from my teen years. I was at my friend Sara’s house. We had a sleepover and she was cooking us scrambled eggs for breakfast. She turned the pan on low and after whipping the eggs, she poured them into this warm pan. Keeping the pan on a low heat setting, she gently stirred the eggs, swirling them softly, seemingly forever. Impatiently and with a critical nature I huffed, “What are you doing?? Turn the heat up.” I couldn’t imagine why anyone would make eggs like this. That’s not how I saw it done nor how I was taught. In my house we turned up the heat and cooked those eggs in a matter of minutes!

But you know what, she cooked them her way despite my judgment, and those eggs turned out soft, fluffy, non-rubbery, and quite delicious! Turns out, she knew a better way.

If I had been taught to be curious I might have asked her what the benefit was in cooking them low and slow like that. She might not have had a scientific or professional culinary explanation, but she might have shared that’s just how her mom, an excellent cook, was taught and taught her. They also traveled to Europe a lot, so maybe she learned this method there. I’ll never know because I didn’t ask. I just assumed she didn’t know how to cook eggs properly because it wasn’t “my” way.

I’ve definitely been like that throughout my life. Health Coaching and Personal Training taught me to ask more questions rather than rush in to help or offer answers/solutions so quickly. I wish I had known this when I was raising my kids. There would have been more conversation and way less lecturing!

I am grateful that I started to learn this as an adult, and now I will keep this quote (no matter who really said it) in the forefront of my mind, reminding me to BE CURIOUS and not judgmental. We can all learn from each other. Our differences are wonderful! We don’t even have to agree on something to learn and grow.

So, let’s all practice being less critical. Less judgmental. Less sure that we have all the answers and know the best way. Let’s make less assumptions about people, cultures, perspectives, and experiences.

Instead, let’s be curious! Ask questions and then really listen for the answer. Listen for the story. This will help us all connect on deeper levels, expanding and deepening the human experience.

Would you agree?